Setting Myself Free: The Power of Facing My Past with Courage and Compassion

I wouldn't normally write about this since it's something I've carried a lot of shame around but I had a breakthrough the other day and thought it was worth sharing, so here goes...

In my first real relationship I frequently had quite violent outbursts. Filled with rage I would hit and push and throw and break things (wow this is tough to write), scream and shout and just absolutely lose control to this wild ride of emotion that I was experiencing. After the exhale of rage had been let out, the inhale of self-hatred would flood in, leaving me distraught, panicked and prone to self-harm. The cycle was relentless.

The only way I managed to rationalise my way out of this cycle at the time was to find balance in my thinking. To pull myself out of the reactionary mode I was in, move away from a blaming or victim mentality and take back control, and that meant holding myself accountable and taking some responsibility. "Even if my partner is this way, my behaviour is unacceptable and wrong'". And while I was able to gain some sort of moral clarity by doing this, this rationalising, I have since realised, has subconsciously associated feelings of anger and rage with shame.

Journeying Within

A few nights ago I was reading Women Living Deliciously by Florence Given and in one of the first few chapters she discusses how women have moved from overtly judging each other to covertly judging each other from a moral standpoint - and how our judgements of other women are usually a projection of our own inner conflicts. I noticed how if I ever see a woman losing her shit, getting angry and behaving in any way other than composed, I lose all compassion and understanding for her and think "it doesn't matter what the other person has done, that's wrong, that behaviour is unacceptable". A stance of hard-heartedness would take over, that same one that I had for myself.

Moved by this awareness, I decided to journey within myself to see if I could release this shame and find compassion for this part of myself that I had strictly written off as 'bad'. I took a few moments to revisit some particularly vivid memories of mine - visualising my present self being in the room with my past self, observing that memory with an open mind, and here's what I realised about Emily back then...

Emily back then had FIGHT in her and she was fighting for a reason. Her emotional limits were consistently being pushed, her boundaries were being overstepped and her pleas for space were being ignored. She was faced with a man, 9 years her senior, who refused to resolve the ambiguity of their 'relationship', leaving her feeling confused and insecure. She was faced with a man who continuously overlooked, undermined and dismissed her perspective, intelligence and input whilst simultaneously drawing on every one of her spare minutes to make his business work, actively depriving her of sleep to meet his deadlines, and coercing her into debt.

Emily back then, even if she didn't consciously realise it, was fighting because she knew she deserved better. Filled with rage at the audacity of one human being thinking they have the right to treat another so poorly and to not even think twice about it. Filled with anger because she knew that love did not take this form and that her worth and value as a human being was being taken advantage of and abused.

Reclaiming My Anger

I'm sharing this because it has taken me years to allow myself to really know that while my actions were not ideal, the anger, the rage, that energy was totally understandable given the circumstances and person I was dealing with...That being a woman, an angry woman is a human experience. That anger does not make me unloveable. That anger was and is the fighter, the protector, the guardian that has my back when my external environment doesn't.

It has taken me years to realise that I have been siding with that mans view of me for all this time - abandoning myself and taking on his unforgiving image of me as my own. It has taken me years to realise that our society has so little space for raw, unfiltered rage, especially from women, and because of this, because it is so rarely seen, I thought something was fundamentally wrong with me for experiencing this level of emotion.

And... I'm sharing this because the shame of being 'somebody who wasn't emotionally composed at all times' has led me to believe that my character today would be totally discredited if anybody found out...When it is exactly this experience, this unfurling through rage and then growth through self-compassion that has made me who I am today.

Somebody who can love themselves through the shit times. Who can have compassion for all humans, no matter what messy stage of life they are in. Who knows that making mistakes is part of growth. And that real perfection involves encompassing and embracing the dark, the ugly, the broken, the 'unloveable' pieces of ourselves and uniting them lovingly with our other half!

Somebody who knows that it is not our past mistakes that define us, but how we choose to move forward from them. How far we can stretch ourselves past our preconceived notions and challenge the beliefs and ideas that keep us caged within ourselves.

An Invitation to Reflect

It has been truly freeing to finally talk about this outside of my close circle of friends. To let this part of myself exist alongside me in the light of who I am now, instead of isolated in the shadows.

So...if you've ever felt ashamed of your emotions or judged yourself for not being 'composed,' I invite you to join me here...to revisit those moments with compassion. What was your inner fighter standing up for? What parts of yourself can you embrace rather than abandon?

Til next time,

Emily